


dying ain't so bad

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Afterlife, Angst, Boyfriends, Character Death, Cuddling & Snuggling, Established Relationship, Ghosts (kind of idk), Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kissing, M/M, Marijuana, My First AO3 Post, Short Chapters, Singing, Suicide, Tags Are Hard, Underage Drug Use, connor messed up!!, idk how to tag this, its really sad fyi, oh well, some swearing but not a lot, sorry about that, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 09:10:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11734029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Connor Murphy thinks suicide is the perfect escape after he messes things up with Evan and his family.  But he soon learns that consequences follow you wherever you go.





	1. I hope you're happy now

**Author's Note:**

> hi!!
> 
> so this fic is my first ao3 post so that's great  
> it's kinda ooc but i'm trying here  
> also see if you can catch the subtle Hamilton reference because I'm trash whoops  
> also please forgive me for my formatting sins
> 
> Chapter title taken from Defying Gravity from Wicked  
> Fic title taken from Dyin' Ain't So Bad from Bonnie and Clyde
> 
> also trigger warning for suicide

Connor had finally done it. After his first day of senior year, he went home and killed himself. It was quick, painless, and even peaceful. It was the perfect way to go.

 _I’ll be free now,_ he thought, _finally! I can leave all of this shit behind!_

His joy quickly turned sour when he found out what you have to watch when you’re dead. Dead and sober. He didn’t know everything about how being dead worked, but it seemed like he knew all of his emotions but he just couldn’t feel them.

He registered the grief of his boyfriend Evan when he found him in the orchard, no, their orchard. The orchard that saw their first date, first “I love you”, first kiss. Evan loved that orchard, and finding Connor lying there forever tainted the memories. He found him limp, cold, but finally getting the peace he always wanted. Evan tried shaking Connor’s shoulders, desperately trying to get him to wake up. He eventually realized it was useless and sobbed into the corpse’s chest, wishing more than anything to hear his heartbeat one more time. He was too grief-stricken to even break down in panic because surely this wasn’t real and Connor was going to wake up soon. The world shattered around Evan that day, and Connor couldn’t even feel the grief.

 _Wow, man_ , Connor thought, _you’re dead and you still found a way to fuck up. One last time, right?_

He watched his own funeral, reminding himself to be sad but watching blank-faced.

He watched Evan take a different route to school every day so he didn’t have to walk by the orchard.

He watched Zoe burn everything she had that reminded her of him. She wasn’t sad, and she wasn’t hurting. She was enraged.

Connor wished he could cry out to Zoe that he was sorry, sorry for the wasted years, sorry for the fights, sorry for leaving when she was just getting him back. He wanted to kiss Evan and tell him he was sorry for breaking him and that he would come back if he could. Connor would’ve given anything to collapse, yelling and sobbing. He needed to feel the emotions go, instead of leaving them pent up in his head. That seemed to be his curse. He watched everything and felt nothing, floating about in a state somewhere between human and mist.

That is, until one day he woke up exactly as he had been while alive.

* * *

Connor’s alarm clock buzzed next to him. _Great,_ he thought sleepily, _now there are alarms in the afterlife?_ He slammed his hand on the alarm clock and was shocked to feel the cool plastic box against him. _Oh, so I can touch things now? That would’ve been great, say, two fucking days ago when I wanted to smoke_. He groaned as he sat up on the edge of his bed. Connor’s room was the same in the afterlife as it had been in reality, which left him fairly disappointed. He was hoping for some new band posters. Or a bookshelf that took up his entire wall. Or at least a freaking lava lamp.

Connor, who was enjoying the fact that he could now interact with objects again, grabbed his phone and checked his notifications. None. _Oh, right, I’m dead. Not many people text dead guys_. It wasn’t until he read the top of the lockscreen that his world shifted.

6:32 AM, the display read, and just under that, Sunday, August 13th.

He froze as he reread the date again.

Sunday, August 13th.

Today was the day before he killed himself.


	2. when the villains fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for suicide  
> poor connor he's so sad  
> also what a short chapter I apologise
> 
> Chapter title taken from Requiem from Dear Evan Hansen

The suicide wasn’t something Connor had planned. Things were actually going pretty well for him. He was in a good place with Evan, and his parents had eased up on him considering it was summer. Zoe had even started talking to him, just a little bit at a time.

Everything had changed that night after the first day of senior year. Something had snapped in Connor, and he didn’t know what it was but he felt it burning him from the inside out. He called Evan, but only managed to say that he was fine and he should disregard the call before hanging up. Evan had a panic attack at school earlier, and Connor imagined he was exhausted. He couldn’t make Evan worry about his boyfriend in that condition. Connor turned to weed, his natural reflex when it came to ignoring pain. He hit it a little too hard, however, and achieved a high greater than anything he’d ever felt before.

A few hours of continuous smoking later, Evan called Connor.

“Hey.” said Evan. His voice was soft, and he seemed only half-awake.

“What do you want, Hansen?” Connor seethed, his tone like an electric shock.

“W-well, you c-called a while ago, and, um, I-I-I, um, are y-you okay?” asked Evan, his stutter returning.

“I’m fine. I have to go,” he said without hanging up.

“A-are you high? Is everything o-okay?”

“Damn it Evan! I’m fine! Would you just leave me the fuck alone?”

“Oh okay well IjustwantedtomakesureeverythingwasfinesorryI’llgonowsorry.” Evan said nervously, his words too fast to comprehend.

Connor hang up the phone and immediately felt a twinge of guilt. He had just yelled at the only person he truly trusted. _You can’t even love someone correctly!_ Connor’s head screamed at him. He mentally went through the list of things he had done to hurt others, the things he had damaged beyond repair. Zoe, who he didn’t even know and who didn’t know him. His parents, who spent so much money on him, fighting over his wellbeing. Evan, whose life he had made ten times worse just by being around. Okay, maybe the last one wasn’t completely true, but Connor wanted to hear it.

_For God’s sake just give up already!_

And he did.

He didn’t have time to buy supplies, but he found a surplus of sleeping pills in a dusty cabinet. Connor barely hesitated before swallowing ten and leaving the house. If this was how he was going to go, he had to be anywhere but that house. He only walked the short distance to the orchard before lying down under a tall tree near the entrance and closing his eyes forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed!!  
> comments and kudos are appreciated greatly!


	3. the world turned upside down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you've made it this far you probably already know but just to make sure:  
> trigger warning for suicide. it's just mentioned in this chapter but still  
> also this chapter is extremely short I'm sorry
> 
> Chapter title taken from Yorktown (The World Turned Upside Down) from Hamilton

As far as he could tell, he was living out his last full day alive exactly as it had been. The only difference was now he knew he would be dead tomorrow. His parents were out of town that weekend and Zoe had stayed over at Alana’s house, so he was free to do what he wanted. He couldn’t remember exactly what he had done on the last day of summer, but he was fine with living it out alone. No one to talk to, nowhere to go, no responsibilities to-

Connor’s phone buzzed. Confused, he unlocked it and read the message.

 **evan:** hey there, just making sure we’re still on 4 tonite?

Of course that was how he spent the last day of summer: on a date with Evan.

 _Shit._ How was he supposed to make it through their last date when he knows it’s their last date and Evan doesn’t?

 **connor:** yeah :) what time?

 **evan:** 3pm, remember?

Connor glanced at the clock on his bedroom wall. It was already 2:00.

 **connor:** yeah yeah of course, just got confused lol

 **evan:** its ok. see u soon :)

Connor threw his phone on the bed and ran to the bathroom. He thought he was going to cry. Or throw up. He ended up doing neither and just splashed cold water on his face.

 _What the hell am I supposed to do? I should’ve cancelled. I can’t watch his heart break again, oh God I can’t do it I can’t-_ His thoughts were cut off by a startling realization.

“I could tell Evan,” he thought out loud, “I could just tell him that…um…oh, what the fuck would I say anyway? ‘Hey, by the way, I’m gonna kill myself tomorrow.’ There’s no way I could possibly do that.”

He felt the floor starting to sway beneath him, and he sank down against the wall until his knees were against his chest. He wiped his eyes – when had he started crying? – and retreated back into his mind.

Okay, so he couldn’t tell Evan, but he also couldn’t not tell Evan. What was he supposed to do then?

He sat there, turning off all his emotions so he could just think. What seemed like hours later, he jumped up with the perfect idea. There was a way to tell Evan. A voice in his head held him back, and he stared at himself in the mirror until he could make out the definite consequences of what he was – maybe – about to do.

If this worked, he could fix everything. He could leave Evan in peace.

If it didn’t work, he would have to watch the love of his life suffer a pain ten times worse than what it had been before.

 _So_ , sneered Connor’s mind, _what are you going to do?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed!!  
> comments and kudos are appreciated immensely!


	4. and if I'm gone tomorrow, what was ours still will be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings for mentioned suicide and minor panic attack (not in detail)  
> aww the boyfriends are sad together  
> also if you haven't already noticed, this fic is really really bad!!
> 
> Chapter title taken from Something to Believe In from Newsies

The evening with Evan was incredible. They went to A La Mode before heading back to Evan’s house; something they had done a million times before, but Connor felt as if he had never experienced it before. He felt the cool air and smooth tile floors of the ice cream shop. He felt the butterflies in his stomach when Evan laughed, or when he smiled, or when he did pretty much anything. He felt his boyfriend’s warmth against him as they watched movies and cuddled together. He felt all of it, and he was overjoyed.

Oh yeah, he felt that too.

But underneath his joy laid sadness and fear of what he was about to do. Well, he still hadn’t quite decided if he had the guts to say it, because how would Evan react? Would he have a panic attack? Would he try to stop him from killing himself the next day? How would that even work? Would they get stuck in some time loop because he was already dead when he went back and warned Evan but then he wouldn’t have killed himself because Evan would’ve saved him and-

“Connor?” Evan asked, noticing him space out. “You okay?” Connor released the tension from his face and kissed the top of Evan’s head.

“Yes, of course, Ev.” At this he shot Connor a worried glance but leaned back into him. _Well shit,_ Connor thought, _there’s no way I_ can’t _tell him now._ For the first time, he had lied to Evan.

At that moment, Connor swore to himself he would tell Evan about his upcoming death. This would help him. This had to help him. Besides, he couldn’t stand lying to Evan in their last moments together.

Connor shifted, reaching for the remote and shutting off the television. He turned to face Evan, grabbing his shoulders tenderly. His face was neutral, even though he’d never been more scared in his life.

“Connor, what is going on? That movie was just getting good.” Evan said, followed by a nervous laugh. Both of them knew Evan could care less about the movie, but he was just trying to lighten the mood.

“Evan. I have to tell you something. It’s going to be hard to hear, and you’re going to have a million questions, and I want you to know that I am so, so sorry, and I love you more than anything.” Connor’s voice broke at these last words, but he had to hold it together for Evan. He gazed into his boyfriend’s dark blue eyes to gain the courage to continue.

“I-I’m not here right now. I mean I am. I mean, fuck, why is this so confusing.” He took a deep breath as a look of bewilderment crossed Evan’s face.

“Evan, something has happened to me. I have a second chance with you, and I can’t waste it, so I have to tell you this.” Connor said, attempting to preface this conversation. He tried to avoid any words related to death so Evan could hear him out before the inevitable panic attack hit.

Okay Connor, spit it out. No time to waste.

“Evan, for me, this day has already happened. I don’t know how, but I’m reliving this with knowledge I didn’t have before. And I have to tell you. That knowledge, I mean, I have to tell you what I know.” Connor tried his best not to stumble over his words. “so-“

“What, what kind of things do you know?” Evan interrupted, “This isn’t, like, Back to the Future, so how could you possibly be here back in time?”

Connor laughed softly, running a hand through his dark hair. “It is a little bit like Back to the Future, I guess. So what I know now is, fuck, okay. Tomorrow is the first day of school right? And after school, I’m going to get really high. And I’m going to yell at you. And then I’m going to…” Connor sucked in a breath, “and then I’m going to kill myself.”

“Y-you’re what? Y-you can’t, you can’t know that, you can’t be here twice, you can’t k-know that!” Evan’s stutter returned and his breathing picked up in shock. A pang of sadness hit Connor as he pulled him into a hug, whispering to him about breathing slowly and how it’ll all be okay. He felt as if a thin wall of glass between them had shattered, and they were both bleeding from the shards. It was agonizing, walking about cleaning up what was broken, but it had to be done. After Evan was in some condition to hear Connor out, he continued.

“I’ve been gone for a few weeks now, and I don’t know how, but I’m reliving today. The day before I died. Except now I know what happens next and, Evan, oh my god, I’m so sorry.” His voice hitched mid-sentence and tears leaked from his eyes.

“I-It’s okay, Connor. It’ll be okay.” Evan mumbled. Connor looked at him with shock and confusion.

“It is? Um, no, it’s not okay. I shouldn’t have left like that. I should’ve talked to you. There are so many things I could’ve done differently, and I want to take them back, I do, fuck there are so many things I want to do differently, and-“ Connor was cut off by Evan forcing his lips against his. The kiss was hard, fiercely passionate, and the usual tenderness in Evan’s touch was gone. This was different. This was all fire, lips moving quickly but still in sync. Arms wrapped around each other, Connor’s hair in Evan’s mouth, kisses traveling down their necks and back up to their mouths. Both of them pulled away in a few minutes, gasping for air.

“I had to shut you up because you were starting to sound like me. And anxious rambling doesn’t suit you.” Evan said, lightly shoving Connor.

“How are you not upset by this? I thought I would have to calm you down, not the other way around.”

“I, um,” Evan paused, a single tear racing down his cheek as he searched for the right thing to say, “I am upset. But if this is the last of our time together, I want to be happy. Please just be happy with me, Con.” Evan smiled, eyes brimming with tears.

“Okay.”

They spent the rest of the evening together, kissing and laughing and cuddling and talking, until Evan fell asleep in his boyfriend’s arms. Connor just watched him, memorizing every detail of his face while he still could.

“Goodbye…” Connor whispered, fading away as midnight fell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed!!  
> comments and kudos make me really happy


	5. for forever this way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for mentioned suicide
> 
> Chapter title taken from For Forever from Dear Evan Hansen

Connor woke up where he was in ghost time, about three weeks after he died. He performed his usual ghost routine, doing absolutely nothing. Mostly he thought about Evan. He remembered all of the emotions he had after he left, even feeling the remnants of sadness and passion.

“How do souls entertain themselves for the rest of their lives,” he wondered aloud, “if there’s nothing exciting to do? Nothing new, nothing fun, just nothing.”

Well, there was one thing he liked to do. Every day he would wait for Evan to leave school. He would walk him home, talking about the boring reality of being dead, telling jokes he had thought of since the last time they met, and all sorts of other things. He knew Evan couldn’t hear any of it but he still enjoyed it.

But today, something was different. Evan wasn’t at school. He waited and waited until everyone had left. There was no sign of him. He began to panic (or rather, think about panicking). He wasn’t at his house, he wasn’t at Jared’s, or Alana’s, or Zoe’s. He raced all over town with no luck. Evan was gone.

He returned to finish his ghost day by climbing him and Evan’s tree. It wasn’t much fun to climb when all you could do was float up the side, but he liked the view from the top. He made his way up to the same branch as always, still wondering about Evan, when he found him. Except, it wasn’t the real Evan. Sitting there on the branch they always shared when they were alive was Evan’s soul. He smiled at Connor and motioned for him to come sit by him, but he levitated there in shock. Floodgates opened as all of the emotions Connor had been missing rushed into him.

“Evan! What are you, oh my God are you dead?” Connor said, stifling a sob.

He laughed slightly. “It would appear that way, yeah.” This was the calmest Connor had seen him in years.

“Why? I mean, how? I mean, why and how?”

“Why? Because I couldn’t live without you, idiot.” Tears sparkled in his eyes as he grinned at Connor. “And how… well, we don’t have to get into that right now. What you told me that night, I couldn’t stand aside and let it happen. I knew what needed to be done, so now I’m here. Uh, surprise!” At this Evan smiled and threw his hands in the air.

Connor moved toward Evan, placing a hand on his cheek and pulling away in shock. He could feel Evan’s smooth skin. The usual warmth was gone, but it was something. Looks of confusion and understanding crossed Connor’s face, one right after the other.

“That night… you weren’t upset because…”

“Because it wouldn’t be the end of us. I couldn’t let it be our end.” At this Connor surged with guilt and anger and sadness because the boy who deserved everything threw it all away for him. _It’s all my fault, yet again!_

“You, you can’t just do that! Your mom can’t handle this grief! Evan, I wanted you to be happy. Alive. I wanted you to live, and love, and forget about me. You should’ve just forgotten about me!” Connor’s face was red with anger and hot tears spilled down his cheeks.

“My mom will be fine. She’ll take her time, but she will be fine. I was probably more of a burden to her anyway.” Evan’s smile drooped for a moment but he shook his head and continued. “I could never live without you. I _definitely_ couldn’t ever love anyone else, Con. Who knows if I’ll miss out on things. I don’t care about any of them, because I can’t stay for those and miss out on the most important thing: you. You can’t blame yourself for this. I didn’t have to come here. I could’ve stayed, wallowing in grief and missing you like nothing else. That’s not the life I want, and I made that decision on my own. Besides, this is kind of a one way trip…” Both of them laughed as Connor wiped his tears and moved towards Evan.

Connor sat next to him on the branch, kissing Evan tenderly and swelling with joy at the feeling of his lips. Maybe he could only feel things for other souls. Connor thought briefly about how that was a fucked up system, but at the moment he didn’t care too much. He was just touched that Evan was here with him. The rest of the world could wait. Evan put his head on Connor’s shoulder, watching the sunset as he hummed lightly.

“What song is that?” Connor asked softly.

“Oh, um, I don’t really remember the name of it, I haven’t heard it in so long. But I remembered it when I came here.”

“Will you sing it? I haven’t heard you sing in a really long time.”

As the sun dipped below the horizon, Evan quietly sang what he knew of the song.

“There are some things in life

you can’t replace

a love like ours doesn’t happen twice

when all his days are through

mine will be too

cause dying ain’t so bad

not if you both go together

only when you’re left alone

does it get sad

but a short and lovin’ life

that ain’t so bad…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow you've reached the end!!  
> maybe I'll write some connor/evan ghost drabbles idk  
> anyways the boyfriends are sad together and it's not all perfect but they're gonna work it out
> 
> comments and kudos are greatly appreciated  
> thanks for reading this trash!!


End file.
